Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in derium's LiveJournal:

Monday, February 21st, 2005
3:12 pm	O.o This was sent to me by someone, and it got me thinking about something... "10th Grade As I sat there in English class, I stared at the guy next to me. he was my so called "best friend". I stared at his spiky, black hair, and wished he was mine. But he didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, he walked up to me and asked me for the notes he had missed the day before and i handed them to him. he said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. 11th grade The phone rang. On the other end, it was him. he was in tears, mumbling on and on about how his love had broken his heart. he asked me to come over because he didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to him on the sofa, I stared at his soft eyes, wishing he was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, he decided to go to sleep. he looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. Senior year The day before prom he walked to my locker. "My date is sick" he said; she's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night After everything was over, I was standing at his front door step! I stared at him as he smiled at me and stared at me with his crystal eyes. I want him to be mine, but he doesn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then he said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. Graduation Day A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as his perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get his diploma. I wanted him to be mine, but he didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, he came to me in his smock and hat, and cried as I hugged him. Then he lifted his head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. A Few Years Later Now I sit in the pews of the church. That guy is getting married now. I watched him say "I do" and drive off to his new life, married to another girl. I wanted him to be mine, but he didn`t see me like that, and I knew it. But before he drove away, he came to me and said "you came!". he said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. Funeral Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a guy who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry he had wrote in his high school years. This is what it read: I stare at her wishing she was mine, but she doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish she would tell me she loved me! "I wish I did too..." I thought to my self, and I cried. Don't hold back how you feel about someone. No matter what it is you should tell them because one day you might regret not telling them." I do not have a strong relationship with my Mother. Ever since my Father passed away I have feared losing someone else I love. I want to tell my Mother I love her, and that I want a Mother son relationship with her...But I cannot find the words nor the courage to do so. But I need to tell it to her now...Before I say it to a tombstone...Just like when I finally told my Father I wish I had spent more time with him... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
11:08 am	Do we weave the tangled web? Or has it always been there? Meeting someone online...Taboo? We live in the day of age where communication has no bounds. People meet online and even marry each other. But how does society as a whole see it? How do people react when you say "I am infatuated with this person I have never met". Normally the outcome is the person you tell gives you a look like a cow looks at an oncoming train. I know that people do it and people also accept it...Maybe me being a conservative clouds it with a slight level of skepticism. People can have any persona that they wish while hiding behind the comfort of a computer screen. Be it the 45 year old child molester acting as the 17 year old to the 14 year old girl that is actually looking at the clock in his office waiting to go on break before he arrests another bad apple. Or be it two people that met each other by an act of God. What is my take on all of this? I am not going to answer that. All I know is right now I have someone in my mind and shes been there for a while. I want her here with me, I want to lay in bed holding her...And admire the beauty of the angel that has honored me with her mutual excitement. "To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To Love is to risk not being loved in return.To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk despair.To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing." (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 4th, 2005
2:31 pm	Everyone needs a break I decided that over the next few days to just try to relax a bit. The "biggest" thing I'm pondering is if it is possible to feel someones emotions that are not even around you. I am pretty sure it happens to people you care a lot about...But I will save that for a later time. I spoke briefly with a woman from the U.K. that had a past life on the Titanic, and speaking to her was great. Even though it was great, it still was freaky...Her and I share all the same fears. We both have agoraphobia, fear of water, the cold and haven't learned to swim. and while speaking to her I almost felt seasick...It was an odd experience. It seems as if everyday that passes I just get more and more proof put in front of me. So I think I have became a firm believer. Any who...I finally saw some shows that are hard to find with Shannyn Sossamon in it. I have NEVER been one to admire bands/actors but for some reason I just cant get enough of her...Maybe because she looks like my ex lol. "Wisdom begins in wonder." -Socrates (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
3:19 am	Vita Est Non Bona Well to close the night off, I have to extend my thanks to Bluehayze and the mighty Beege. Thanks for being there for me and having the depth to understand " No one will accept who you are until you do. No one will respect you until you respect yourself." -Jacqueline Kelly (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005
7:31 am	My Intro to the darkest corners of my mind By my own will I have spent a lot of time alone lately. I figure the only way to know who I am, is to force myself face to face. So that is what I'm doing...But now sure how its going. Growing up I always had strong Christian beliefs, so I shunned such things as soulmates, past lives, infinite universes ect...All of that started to change when someone walked into my life a few years ago, and it was not a gradual thing. One minute I'm content in my beliefs then like a smack across the face she was there and it made my inner-self kick start...You would think that by me feeling I met my soulmate it would bring out the best in me right? Wrong. It brought out my absolute worse, it caused my fears to soar and I even developed some fears. And after watching her walk out of my life...Why did the fears get better? That is what I dedicated/dedicating most of my time to. I know it sounds dumb to most of you for me to "dwell" on it. But make no mistake dwelling is not the issue at hand. The issue is me and my little place in this world. If you care to hear about my jumbled thoughts, then by all means read on. I have always been a sucker for Quantum Physics and studies of religions, so at least I knew where to get started. But instead of my explaining how I got here, let me just jump into it. I will "examine" the "proof" that has been presented to me that has changed my life. First and most important is how one person can walk into my life and make me feel as if I have found what ive always looked for, and how many irrational fears flooded me. Second is the death of my Father (when I was 14...Sorry to list you second Dad) He told me before he passed never to visit a cold tombstone in search of him because: "If you come in search of me, do not visit such a place where a cold body lays, if you wish to speak to me then go outside and look to the trees, the heavens and inside yourself. I will be there waiting for you in return". Third was the regressions, during them I did see myself in many many lives, the last one was on the Titanic and that is where I met my death... How do those three things come together?...Like this. After doing research on past lives and people who claim to have been on the titanic we all have one thing in common...Agoraphobia. And that is what came out after I met the one I thought was my "soulmate". Could me meeting someone that has always been in all my past lives and the one who was "meant to be" bring out those fears? Yeah...I think so, she opened up my mind to what has taken place, things that I have never came to terms with. The Infinate Universe Theory explains that anything that can happen will happen. If I drop a cup off my desk and I grab it before it lands on the ground, at that moment the universe splits and in a different universe the cup does hit the ground. This is a theory that I have adopted in the past few months. Millions of people felt the universe split the moment JFK took the fatal head wound. People of all different walks felt this happen...Did we split in the wrong direction? Was JFK being killed supposed to be in a different universe? I am unsure, but let me say, every breath I take I feel as if I took the wrong direction in this life, and the only comfort I have is that in a different universe I'm happy, and I'm doing what was meant to be for me...Because in that universe I did not allow myself to be consumed with all the bullshit I allowed. I would love to think that my purpose of meeting her was to open my mind to the truth, and to force me to better understand myself. But that just doesn't fit right with me. And I know I'm still not "trying to get over her", because I have accepted the break-up, and I am not mad at all...I just feel like I missed out on the best thing ever. And its not like our relationship was great...We had our times, but it was one of the worse long term relationships I have ever had...But I also know that it could have been the best. I can go into depth on this for many many pages...But ill just "sum" it up. What is my purpose now? I feel as if I have forsook what was meant to be for me. Am I damned to spend my life "finding myself"? I know finding yourself is one of the best things, but it takes second place to what I want. I have dated other people in the past 2 years but it wasnt even close to fun. The only satisfaction that I find in this life now is knowing that if she was my soulmate, and if I have lived before...Then I shall live again and that gives me another chance to "make it right"...So if I can come to terms with all my fears and problems...It should run smooth the next time right? When I sat down to write this, I had it all planned out in my mind...I had so much emotions and wisdom I wanted to say...But I decided to hold back 98%. Why should I preach as if I know what I dont? I should'nt...My goal is not to appear as if I'm wise, my goal is to just let my mind run free. "What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us." --Ralph Waldo Emerson (4 Comments |Comment on this)
7:27 am	Buckle under pressure Well, to get you guys to stop picking on me...I'll start a live journal (Comment on this)